Unsure

The constant battle in my mind.
Am I doing the right thing? Do I really understand what I am doing? I don't think I am smart enough to do this.
Forever I am unsure of who I am and what I am capable of. Always second guessing and waiting with fear that comes with being unsure.

Inner battles of letting something go and being spontaneous.
But wait, did I jump too early or speak too soon?

Hold on for a month while I think about what I might want to do, say, be.

I have a crease in my forehead from the large amount of grumpy faces I made at my students today.

wrongly accused

*Let me preface this with, I don't dislike the police. I admire the hard work they do and don't think it is an easy job for meatheads. I could not do their job.*

Monday morning I was pulled over in front of a school near the one I work at. The officer informed me this was because I was talking on my cell phone in a school zone. Here's the thing. I was not on my phone. I hadn't had a single call or text all day actually. He then told me I was a liar. I handed him my phone and told him that he could check the phone records. He said that was not necessary because he saw my hand at my ear. Then he proceeded to question me about the hanging basket or petunias in the back of my car. They were for a friend at work. Then he asked me about where I was going and what I did there. I told him and what I taught at the school. Now, I am so upset about being accused for doing something I did not do, being questioned for the messy back seat of my car and it's contents, and also he was not thrilled that I pulled 2 insurance cards out of the glove box (one expires in a week so I had the new one already in the car.) I am practically in tears, begging him to believe me and, it is not even 8am. Then he made more grumpy looks at me and gave me a warning.
I am a little confused, why would I get a warning for not talking on my cell phone? Are you too pompous to admit you were mistaken? (maybe I was scratching my head or singing in the car?)
And why did he care about the petunia basket in my back seat? Are petunias the new street drug?
Last, why would someone need to be so grumpy at 8am?

Final straw

Well, the final straw fro me to finally go get a new pair of glasses and some more contacts came today. I have been putting it off for a while. My prescription did not change. But, I really did not want to shell out the bucks for new frames, just contacts.
The sad fate of my beloved teal and black frames came from a very small boy. You see, I assist with an after school, intramural program.We have been playing soccer. These are second graders. I bent over to help someone tie a shoe. There were knots. So, I am kneeling on the floor, wrestling with tiny knots on a tiny shoe and then BLAMM-O! A soccer ball smacks into the left side of my face at what seemed like full force. My glasses go flying off my face, landing about 5 feet away from me. The nose pads dug just so forcefully into the sides of my nose, I thought it was almost broken. Then, there is the small boy, holding his hands over his mouth, looking stunned and a little scared. He has just realized that his music teacher is not ok.
So, I hear him apologize about 50 times and ask if I am ok. I tell him that I am fine but to not kick soccer balls that close to someone.
Immediately after the session, I call up the local fast glasses place and get an appointment. Two hours later I have new contacts, new glasses to pick up tomorrow (not as cute as the old ones but hey I am poor), and a big divot in my wallet.

sick again

Once again, I am home sick. This time it is bronchitis and as much as I do not want to be home, work will not let me back until I have antibiotics for 24 hours. I am not good with being idle.

The other woman

No, my husband is not cheating on me.

But, he does have a computer. That plays all sorts of games.  I call it "the other woman." I call it that because I feel like he spends more time with it than with me. Also, because I think he likes it better some of the time.
It was down for a long time and let me tell you, when we thought it was dead and never to be heard from again, I was secretly (or not so secretly) thrilled. Well, the beast is back up and running and I am once again feeling replaced. And a little bit lonely.
I hate the damn thing.

(2 of 2) side and I end up squished and this keeps me from sleeping. When she is in her bed she snores and keeps us from sleeping.

(1 of 2) Dilemma. The dog has a dog bed but prefers our bed. Under the covers. The problem: when she is in our bed she is warm and snuggly but takes over my

defending my passion

Tonight I sat through a meeting where people talked about numbers and figures about how much it costs to educate a child. Until the point where the floor was opened up to the community, there was little mention about children or why the people there were sitting and waiting. We, the community, sat and waited for someone to talk about why it was proposed to make many cuts to our budget and why this was thought of and why it is ok. I don't think we really ever got our answer tonight. If we will ever get an answer is the real question now. So after over an hour of listening to things we already knew and numbers we can all read, the people waiting spoke their piece. Tonight, I heard some community members talk, parents speak their piece, and my colleagues defend their passion and careers.
 I am proud to call these people my co-workers. They stood up and defended why the arts, libraries, and early childhood education are important and vital to our children. They said things I wish I had the guts to say clearly.
So, I also joined them. I quickly wrote what I thought I wanted to say. Then, I mustered all I could, stood up, and invited the attendees entire forum to come to my second grade concert. I stated my name, where I worked, and what I taught. I then asked if everyone present would come to one of the four concerts my second graders will put on. I gave them the dates and times and reminded them that these are the days before the board decides what to do. Then, I said (the only thing off the cuff by the way) that I wish for them to see what our second graders are capable of. I sat down and then realized I just did what scares me the most. I talked in front of people.  A bunch of people. With out a word for word script and I wasn't about to sing something.


I will always fight for children to receive a quality arts education. Especially in the area of music. It scares me but, I did it and will do it continually.
I love my job.

1-18-11

1-18-11
Originally uploaded by musicgirl816

This is Stas. His mom works with me. He had to come to a school board meeting tonight until his daddy came to pick him up. He was a good little doodlebug. Also, I made his hat.

The cold and snow

The cold and snow are upon us. There were flurries earlier this week and tonight has a forecast of up to 6 inches falling overnight. Whee.

Oh you didn't hear? I hate snow. I also hate cold.
I was born for warm weather and sunshine. friends in college coined the name "Nanuk of the Northwest Suburbs" for me. I wear a Sta-Puff marshmallow man coat and snowpants at bus duty.
Anyone who lives in a warm climate want to adopt Kyle and I and give us jobs? 

I also had a student tell me today "Mrs. B! It was so cold this morning it frozes my dog's business!" I lost it. Little boys and poop. A match made in heaven.

Major congrats to my teaching partner in crime on her engagement too! More on that later when I know I can tell about all the lies that went into keeping that a secret.

Today will be the day...

Today is the last day that there is only one paycheck in my household.
Tomorrow Kyle will get his first paycheck from a job he loves and loves to go to every day.

Today is the last day that my house is a total disaster.
Tomorrow I will start the day with a (mostly) clean house.

Today my dog has skin issues.
Tomorrow, hopefully, she will be back on the way to not being covered in icky hairless, scaly spots.

Today I have major money issues.
Tomorrow I will be taking care of many of them. They are not going away but I am working on it.

Today is the day I start getting my life back in order the way I want it. I am not letting it control me.

Rant rant

I have red hair. I have always had red hair. Why do people need to point this out to me? Today at the grocery store I was in a self check out and a random dud comes right up to me and says "wow, that looks like almost real red hair. How'd you get it so good?"   "Um, it is real hair"  then the guy keeps talking to me about it. I just ignored him. really dude, do you think I don't know what color the hair on my head is?

Wanted: fire extinguisher for life fires

Things are tough right now. We are broke. My job is getting a little more stressful due to the fact that Illinois is broke. There have also been a few too many family crisis for a short amount of time. So, today, we had an institute day at the school I work at. Meaning, no kids. Thank goodness or I might have cried in front of the kids. Do you ever just reach that point of total breaking and can't keep it together. Yeah, I'm there. So, I stood in the closet of my classroom and just took deep breaths for about 5 minutes. All I wanted was to go in there and find something. But, I have not been very good at keeping that closet organized and when I hit the mess, I was at my end.
I work with the best co-worker possible. She understands me and we have a phrase for when things are very difficult. "My life is exploding." Her life also has been exploding recently and we are a pair. So, this morning she walks into my classroom to get started on our morning of doing music teacher-y things and I said to her, "My life is so full of explosions right now. I need a fire extinguisher for my life to put out the fires." She agreed.
She wanted one too.

I write this not to complain about my life. I write it not to ask for pity or hand outs. I know full well that many of the situations I am encountering right now are partly or fully due to actions that I have made. I write this to explain my current mindset, attitude, lack of participation, and anything else that makes me not act like my usual self.