There are times when it is hard to be positive. It can be really hard to be positive when you are broke. For me, it usually starts with an unfortunate event. Mostly, a superficial, not all that important event. Like not being able to get a new laptop for grad school to replace the 6 year old, dying one that I am currently typing on.
When I look around and it seems like all of my old friends are moving into new and happy chapters of their lives. They are getting married, buying houses, having babies, going on vacations, making a whole lot more money than you are, engrossed in a field that takes them to places a music teacher could not imagine.
Ok, I am a little obsessed with the money thing. It comes from supporting two adults off one public school teacher's salary. Yes, I did choose my own path. Yes, I am aware that I could have made different decisions. Hindsight is 20/20.
It is very easy to slip into depression about all of the things that I don't have or am not experiencing right now. It is easy to think "When is the fun stuff going to be in my life?" or "When will it be my turn to not try so hard all the time?" If I mention one of these things to someone they may respond with "But you got married and had a beautiful wedding. You had a turn and now they are taking theirs!" I want to punch them in the face and remind them that part of the reason I am in crazy amounts of debt was that beautiful wedding and causing Kyle to relocate and be unemployed for about a year. I am tired of phone calls and fixing things. Tired of being so broke that I have to work two jobs to keep from starving. I am tired of not being able to replace broken or out of date things. I am tired of asking for help.
Don't tell me how it was smart to still be renting and how I can just get out when I want to. I want my own home that I can paint, garden, customize, and not care if the dog poop doesn't get picked up immediately. Don't tell me how I have so much more freedom because we are waiting to start a family. It does not make it easier when ANOTHER person I used to call a friend no longer talks to me because I am not part of the mommy crowd. You never realize how much friendships change when you don't go through the same life stages together.
Now comes the hard work. Remembering my own positives.
I have a husband who loves me. Sure we are poor, but we are poor together. Hopefully, soon Kyle will be full time at his job. They like him there. I have a family that cares about how I am doing. We are in a better place than we were a year ago. There is a plan to how we will move forward. I have started a graduate school program that will give me some job security. Sure, my school is not going to pay me more this year for having another endorsement but, I still have my job. I can just find a dog sitter and take a weekend vacation if the bank account says so. My dog is still crazy but, oh well she can't help it.
How do you remember you positives? How do you remind yourself that when you see someone else's life as cushier/better than yours that they have their ow struggles?
2 comments:
*hugs* You can be in my mommy crowd! And congrats on the graduate program! I was looking at graduate schools in our area the other day, just feeling dread thinking I'm going to have to re-take the GRE and bug people about recommendation letters and all that work. Blech. And I don't even know what I want to study!
BTW- are you going to share what you're studying?! I need ideas.
Heather, I am sure it comes as no surprise that I am studying special education this summer. I am completing my entire LBS1 endorsement in 6 weeks. Basically, it is 1/3 of a masters over a summer. Yes, a crazy idea. When I finish classes, I just have to take the special education content test and I will be certified to teach music and special education. I have come to realize that I love what I do and I am falling in love with teaching children with severe disabilities.
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